When’s the clown crying? Or children’s feelings
I haven’t been to the circus in a while, last time I was a kid. I liked the circus with its performances, liked the aerial acrobats that stopped the heart, the trained animals that follow any instructions of a man, liked the ice cream in the wafer cup in the intermission, and liked the clowns. They were very funny, with the childish naivety they played adults. But childhood was over.
Already, as an adult, I went to the circus, but I was disappointed. No, I’m sure the artists and the performance was no worse, my perception changed, and the clowns were no longer funny. Does our ability to perceive directly go away with childhood? Then we understand that clowns cry too.
It is customary to talk about childhood as “happy”. The peculiarity of our memory is that we remember only what we want to remember, choosing the best moments, the rest is pushed into the unconscious. This is not a leisurely reasoning of psychologists, it is a scientific fact, which has been repeatedly proved experimentally.
Children are not violent, and adults possess ambivalence, cynicism, and cruelty. But children suffer, they feel pain, and they feel it much more strongly than adults. Children perceive everything directly, everything is the last time they experience it. They do not yet have thick skin that will protect them from the aggressive human world, they are very vulnerable.
What is the psychological impact that children leave in their psyche?
Today these children will mix adults with their clumsy movements, their naive phrases, their play in adults, today they are happy smiling in the family photo, and tomorrow they will become “uncomfortable”, naughty, requiring attention, wanting parental love. Tomorrow they will be punished, hurt, shamed, struck, deprived of what they want, deceived. And all this will get right into the children’s heart, leaving a wound for the rest of their lives.
Sometimes, people are so mentally crippled in childhood that they have to live the rest of their lives as heart cripples and disabled people.
If you think that this is happening only in socially disadvantaged families, then you are deeply mistaken. It happens in ordinary families, seemingly very, very prosperous. Emotionally cold families in which it is not customary to express love, in which there is a cult of achievements gives rise to daffodils who spend the rest of their lives trying to prove something and achieve something with only one purpose, unsuccessfully to get the love of their parents.
The cruel mother, who says in her daughter’s childhood “you should have been thrown in the dumpster” does not even suspect that her daughter will be in the dumpster in her adult life, only social – she will become a prostitute. The cruel father, who punishes a 4-year-old boy by putting him out the door of his apartment, cannot assume that the adult son will become a tramp and an alcoholic. The wife, who wants to reassure her drunk husband and puts him to sleep with her young daughter, does not suspect that she provokes incest. A grown man who has never experienced what it’s like to be sorry in his life. The mother, who found out about the sexual harassment of a pedophile to her little daughter, found nothing better than to accuse her of being herself guilty of disobeying her. A son who is beaten for four at school. These are all real stories of real people.
Is it possible to justify the cruelty of parents?
Yes, for sure, these parents, if to drop deeper, will not have the most joyful past, they too did not share in the childhood. Yes, in order to get a diploma of a specialist, you need to study 5 years at the university, in order to get a driver’s license, you need 3 months to attend courses. And in order to become a parent, there is no need to pass anything, no one will check how he performs his parental functions, and if they will, first of all, will be interested in the conditions of life, whether the child is fed and dressed, the rest is not important.
Unfortunately, we cannot predict what a child might get hurt about.
Sometimes, in our adult opinion, this is an ordinary event, but it can be captured for life. And if a bad photo can be removed or burned, the wounds in the heart heal for years. Adults are so busy with their immediate problems that they just can’t hear about their child’s suffering at a particular moment, they wave at each other, saying stupid things you’re making up, stop crying right now! – and the child is left alone with his pain, he no longer has a chance to survive the pain, now he will bear it through life.
Do you know what the toughest punishment is for a child under 5 years old? This is not even a physical punishment. It is ignoring!
Save the children’s feelings
Upset and crying child for misconduct or prank put in a corner, stop talking to him and pay attention to his increasing crying. He is now alone with his pain, with his suffering – my parents do not like me, I am bad! – and parents think that this is an educational process. You can say whatever you want, just stay in touch with your child, look him in the eye, you will see everything in them.
Talk to your child about their feelings
And how many readers can remember from their childhood simple, seemingly simple questions from their parents: “How are you? What is going on with you? What do you feel now? And we are talking about emotional intimacy. You think, as an adult, these people know what a really close relationship is if they don’t have that experience. Basically, most people are confused by this question: “What do you feel now? After all, no one has ever asked me this question, I am not used to asking myself this question, and I do not ask it to my loved ones. At best, get off the list of events for the day. And banal hugs? As soon as we cross a certain age limit, we stop hugging loved ones, and at the same time lose the opportunity to feel human warmth and attitude.
You know that for a child it is vitally important not less than 10 hugs a day, and an adult for a good quality of life requires up to 5 hugs?
Adults find it so difficult to do this, that they have to invent a social flash mob “hug day”. So we live.
So remember, when you are now cheering up your “little clown” that clowns are also crying, and the older we get, the fewer people see it. Someone cries alone, as he used to do as a child, because nobody cared about his tears. And someone eventually becomes rude and stale, losing the ability to cry, hiding behind cynicism and indifference. But I do know that if you look deep and deep, you can find the same child who is hurt and in great need of love.